Discourse on the standard of English in SG

I can still vividly recall an incident from transition camp in secondary school...

Come evening time, we lined up outside the toilet for our baths. Being the spoilt brat that I was, I refused to bathe in the cubicles they had cordoned off for us, preferring instead to wait for the handicapped toilet to be vacant. My classmates were less fussy, and as they streamed out of the cubicles, one of them passed me and asked:

Ha? Becca? U haven bath yet ah?
Classmate

This memory clings like fur to fabric because until then, I had not come across such atrocious grammer. Reacting without thinking, I replied:

It's 'bathe', not 'bath'.

She was affronted and ignored me for the rest of our stay in camp.

As if to top this experience, our principal addressed the school shortly after, saying something along the lines of:

I'm very happree today...because later got assembree.

Sadly, this is how the average Singaporean speaks. Comprehensible? Barely. Hilarious? Very.

Today, at a food court, I discovered a new type of meat.

Excuse me, what sort of meat is that?
*Caucasian tourist asks, pointing to a dish.*

Pok.
Hawker Lady

Pardon me?
*Caucasian tourist*

Pok! Pok! Pok! Pok!
*Hawker lady, very impatiently*

Mr. Caucasian appeared deep in thought for a while, before exclaiming:
Oh! You mean pork!?

Ya. Pok la!
*Hawker lady*

Thanks for tuning in to Comedy Central.

I recently chatted with Joshua after we returned from KL.

I is very happy wif my grades...u leh becky?
Josh

Ok lor.
Me

I really is very happy la...
Josh

Huh? You've spent a grand total of 3 days in KL and u come back speaking like that?
Me

Ya la. KL is a very retarding place.
Josh

Don't fucking have kids if you're screwed up.

The golden rule of parenting:

Your kids are not your punching bags.
If you can't deal with your freaking negative emotions, please just jump off a building. Swallowing 20 tablets of Panadol would do the trick too, albeit with alot more suffering.

Children Will Listen

How do you say to your child in the night
Nothing is all black but then nothing is all white?
How do you say it will all be alright
When you know that it mightn’t be true?
What do you do?

Careful the things you say,
Children will listen.
Careful the things you do,
Children will see.
And learn.
Children may not obey,
But children will listen.
Children will look to you
For which way to turn,
To learn what to be.
Careful before you say,
Listen to me.
Children will listen.

Careful the wish you make,
Wishes are children.
Careful the path they take,
Wishes come true,
Not free.
Careful the spell you cast,
Not just on children.
Sometimes the spell may last
Past what you can see
And turn against you...

Careful the tale you tell.
That is the spell.
Children will listen...

How can you say to a child who’s in flight,
Don’t slip away and I won’t hold so tight?
What can you say that no matter how slight won’t be misunderstood?
What do you leave to your child when you’re dead
Only what ever you put in it’s head
Things that your mother and father had said
Which were left to them too.
Careful what you say, children will listen
Careful you do it too, children will see and learn.
Oh!

Guide them but step away,
Children will glisten.
Temper with what is true
And children will turn,
If just to be free.
Careful before you say,
Listen to me.
Children will listen...
Children will listen!
Children, children will listen

(End)

Looking @ you, I see where I inherited the fucked-up-ness from.

Kerf, I'm sorry for all the times I've hurt you.

The distance between heaven and hell.

This novel has been a good companion as Dad drove the family 300km to KL. In it, a character asks 'What is the distance between heaven and hell in kilometres?'. My ans: ~300km.

I've never been so glad to be back on my sunny island.

I am a kite.

I am a kite. This much I'm sure of. I used to think I was a lucky kite with no strings attached. I thought I was free to fly. Today I'm no longer sure of this.

My passivity in testing the limits all these years had me lulled into believing that I was not controlled by strings. After last night, I realised there is a ROPE attached to this kite.

What happens when you try to cage a sparrow?

What is the half life of alcohol?

I asked Josh this question last night. Still feeling stupid for doing so. What I really wanted to know was how long it would take for the alcohol in Hooch (250ml, 5% alcohol) to be metabolised, so I would know how long I would have to stay in the pub before driving home.

Too bad I didn't get the answer I was looking for, so I didn't dare drink (I've since checked my PCL notes and found that 1-2 standard drinks will be metabolised in 2-3hrs.)

A few hrs later, I found myself lost driving along Bedok Reservior Road. Haha, missed the turn into Eunos Link. The reservoir looked creepy at 3am. It didn't help that I grew up reading Russel Lee ghost stories about drivers feeling as though they've run over something in the wee hours of the morning and getting out of their cars to find a boy under their cars offering them his intestines. Urgh.